Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
