I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
