My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
