I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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