I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
