Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
