Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize