i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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