I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
