I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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