God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
