We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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