Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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