Someone shit on the floor
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
