You're so nebulous sometimes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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