So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
