my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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