Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
