wat bout pragnant strippers??
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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