if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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