It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
