I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
