I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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