Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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