I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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