Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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