It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pants are for mortals
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
