Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.