i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.