would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
