I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
