I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
