I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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