In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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