Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
