I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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