I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize