so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
