i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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