i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
