I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
