They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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