there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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