i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
