my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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