why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
