I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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