Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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