So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
