I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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