oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
