Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
