i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
