Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
