my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
