community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
