the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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