so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
