Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Randomize
